The Map
by Gnasher the Dog (aka Mike Knipe)

What's that about then? Completely useless, as far as I can see. Don't even bother taking one. Besides, for a decent walk, you'll need two at least.

If you want to go to North Wales one week, Staffordshire the next, and the Lakes the next, you'll need about ten maps. And at a cost of about six quid each, that's sixty quid!

That's about hundred and twenty tins of PAL! Good grief. It's not like you can eat a map. (Well, you can, actually and it draws much more attention than ripping up the gas bill just as it comes through the letterbox. (I was after the postman's fingers, but missed)

The best option is to buy just one plastic Globe from Waterstones. This will be waterproof, which is a bonus, and, most of all, will include a picture of the whole world!

North is easy to find, as that's the white bit at the top where the handle is fixed, and if you want to go to Canada or Spitzbergen, it will show you how to get there.

Also, it's round, as opposed to maps, which are flat and, therefore, must be inaccurate. And you can spin a globe to simulate the actual movement of the Earth, using an orange to represent the Moon. Can't do that with a map can you?. Ipso fatso. Nuff said. QED.

Useful phrase: "I'll get my coat"

© Mike Knipe. Mike Knipe is an experienced outdoor enthusiast, walk leader and writer who has worked with Durham County Council and English Nature (aka Natural England).

Other articles by Mike Knipe on go4awalk.com include:

The Mike Knipe Column

The Art of Getting Lost . . .

How to start Peak Bagging . . .

How to sound like a walking expert . . . (writing as Gnasher the Dog) and

Is that a Mitt in your pocket - or are you just pleased to see me?