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Walking Jargon
- How to sound like an expert.
Effective navigation can be such a minefield of jargon that, before I retire completely to that great beanbag by the fire, I thought I'd explain a few jargonistic expressions concerned with hillwalking.
This, in my opinion will be useful for the walker who is unfamiliar with such language, and wants to appear knowledgeable in the post-pedestrianistic bibulotastic quaffing in the King's Head. (Ed. Where does a dog learn such language?)
So, if the following words come up in conversation over the frothy stuff, you can join in with confidence and a plumb. (Sorry, that should be aplomb, which, as Latin scholars will already know, is a lump of lead used in Roman times to persuade cynics that you really do know what you're talking about. Often the lead was concealed in an elderly and unwashed loop-stitched sock, which was invented by the Romans, of course.)
Anyway, I digress - on with the plot.
As a bonus, for that "I know what I'm talking about" effect, some simple and easy-to-remember phrases are included for regurgitation when the particular piece of jargon comes up in the conversation.
And remember - walking is supposed to be fun!
Bearing | Heading
| The Compass | Boxing
The Compass
Aiming-Off | Handrailing
| North | Contouring
| The Map
Grid Reference | Global
Positioning Systems | Pacing
This refers to the unclothing of the body to test wind direction.
Often completed in pairs (hopefully) to enable an average reading to be taken.
Also useful as an excuse if caught in fragrente, which is of course, Latin for wearing perfume and not much else and not to be confused with in-conflagrente which is Latin for standing too near to the pub fire. I once lost bits of my tail that way, but that's another story.
Useful phrase: "We were just testing the wind direction, Darling"
Bearing can also refer to the discharge of the unbearable desire to throw off the clothes and jump into that deep, green pool on a hot day.
This is always a mistake, by the way. That deep green pool might look cool, but in fact, twenty minutes ago it was a big lump of snow and ice and will be very, very, very cold indeed. For male members, a dunking in this can be extremely dangerous, and will result in the complete disappearance of any manly attributes which may be cosseted in the relative warmth of the naughty area.
My advice is to give it a miss, unless somebody throws in a stick, then you're morally bound to pull it out and chew it to bits, giving it the odd shake, just to make sure its dead.
Useful phrase: "It was too bloody cold for a bearing, so I just followed the arrow on my hat. (see Heading )"
This refers to the stitching of a large arrow or "heading" to the front of a woolly bobble hat. This is where the expression "headcase" comes from, as many of you probably already know. The direction thus indicated by the arrow should be followed as closely as possible, notwithstanding cliffs, deep rivers and motorways.
This ancient method of navigation can be very effective in getting to somewhere where, by deft use of the credit card, a night in a hotel can be arranged, followed by a taxi to the starting point after a nice Full English the next morning.
Useful phrase: "Oh yes, Full English Breakfast with Toast and Marmalade Please."
This is a device apparently used at school to get 'O' level geometry, or to stab that irritating little kid from 3b. You know, the one with the spiky ginger hair and the freckles.
Compasses are of no practical use on the hill, except to open difficult sardine tins (with the pointed end) or write a note to your husband/wife/partner (with the pencil).
I just can't imagine why most hillwalking skills books think this device can be so essential, unless I'm missing something about drawing circles on an Outdoor Leisure Map.
Useful phrase: "Of course, according to Pythagoras, the sum of the sides is worth twice as much as the square root of the total thingy of the other sides, so it must be equilateral."
This refers to an act of violence committed when opening a difficult tin of sardines results in one or more painful puncture wounds.
Note, however, that human blood is very nutritious and can be quite tasty, especially from the paper boy's ankle. It will certainly keep you alive for a while if the navigation goes a bit wrong. Its an ill wind that blows your dustbin lid off, as they say.
Useful phrase: "Well, I gave the compass a good old thumping an' it never done it again. Look at me thumb, by the way!"
This refers to a situation when your aim isn't quite right. As in "Your aiming was off"
Obviously, if you're tossed a Spillars Shape and it bounces off your nose and disappears into the grass, then this is a case of the tosser (and I really do mean that), having "aimed-off"
What it has got to do with navigation is a complete mystery, except, maybe, that the resulting search for the delicacy will be so disorientating that you don't know which way you're pointing.
My advice is to hand your dog a sweetmeat nicely. Don't just chuck it. Good grief! We won't bite your hand off y'know! Well, not unless you're a coalman, a postman, a paper boy or the Avon lady.
Useful phrase: "Aiming off? Not me! You could end up anywhere"
If you're on the motorway, you follow the car in front don't you? Well, in hillwalking it's just the same. Just follow somebody else. Also known in non-hillwalking circles (and I also mean that literally), as "stalking".
It's illegal, of course, except on the hill, and only if you don't write any demanding letters made up from newspaper headlines. Stalking, of course, is still legal in parts of Scotland.
Useful phrase: "Of course I've done a lot of handrailing. I once handrailed a man with rump steak sandwiches and chocolate for seventeen miles."
There's magnetic north, grid north and another one, er . . . Very North I think. Don't worry about it. I mean North is North.
The compass is supposed to point North, but mine doesn't, so my best advice is, take no notice.
Useful phrase: "North? Why is it so important anyway? Who wants to walk North? Its full of flat caps, whippets and tripe shops. I mean, you'd be better off in Brighton. At least you get a decent quiche an' a nice drop of beajolais nooovaux. None of that deep-fried mars bar an'a pint o' diesel, an' our Jack's been laid off as there's trouble at t'mill . . . ."
(NB. The characters portrayed in this guide are fictitious and any resemblence to real people living or dead is purely coincidental. Ed)
So, you are out walking when you see a hill that you've never been up before. But in the way is a dull and boring hill that you have been up loads of times. Solution? Contouring!
Basically, what you do is walk around the hill that's in the way, as opposed to over it. The theory is that this is easier. The theory is wrong.
You'll encounter bog, crag, scree, deep, tussocky grass, a stalker looking for North, and an electric fence.
Also - if you do too much of it, one leg will develop more than the other, which is fine on the hillside, but a distinct disadvantage in the King's Head, where the list to the right (or left, depending on the direction of the contouring), will result in a somewhat crooked posture. This will become empirically proved by the slant of the meniscus on the pint in hand, and consequent spillage, which is not what you want.
Useful phrase: "No, I'm not drunk, I've been contouring"
What's that about then? Completely useless, as far as I can see. Don't even bother taking one. Besides, for a decent walk, you'll need two at least.
If you want to go to North Wales one week, Staffordshire the next, and the Lakes the next, you'll need about ten maps. And at a cost of about six quid each, that's sixty quid!
That's about hundred and twenty tins of PAL! Good grief. It's not like you can eat a map. (Well, you can, actually and it draws much more attention than ripping up the gas bill just as it comes through the letterbox. (I was after the postman's fingers, but missed)
The best option is to buy just one plastic Globe from Waterstones. This will be waterproof, which is a bonus, and, most of all, will include a picture of the whole world!
North is easy to find, as that's the white bit at the top where the handle is fixed, and if you want to go to Canada or Spitzbergen, it will show you how to get there.
Also, it's round, as opposed to maps, which are flat and, therefore, must be inaccurate. And you can spin a globe to simulate the actual movement of the Earth, using an orange to represent the Moon. Can't do that with a map can you?. Ipso fatso. Nuff said. QED.
Useful phrase: "I'll get my coat"
You'll need a map for this. See the numbers along the top and bottom and down the side? Well, these are called "Eastings" and "Westings", " Northings" and "Southings"
Any point in the British Isles has an Easting and a Westing, two Northings (grid and magnetic) and a Southing - which is at the bottom and is, therefore, inferior.
Think of a number between ten and ninety nine. Just put the numbers together in a random order and add the number you just thought of to produce a six-digit "big" number. This will tell you where you are, more accurately than the sign you're stood next to which says "Welcome to Buxton" or "Croeso y Buxton buru glaw" if you're in the Welsh quarter, or "Failte a Mhuichion a mheadoin mhor an bodach nam coireachean" if you're in Scotch Buxton.
If you've got two grid references, you can calculate the distance between them by subtracting the first two numbers from the fourth and fifth numbers, taking the square root of the sum, counting the intervening contours and adding the first four numbers of your date of birth.
Simply, thus, it will demonstrate that the distance between our house and the paper shop is one hundred and forty-six kilometres, which is seven miles in English, or about twelve minutes walk.
Useful phrase: "Do you mean magnetic grid, true grid or grid grid grid?"
This is a fancy name for a length of string and two elastic bands, fashioned in such a way as to secure the globe, (see The Map) to the top of the rucksac.
Note, that this system, together with the arrow on your hat will confirm to all your qualifications as an expert in the field of walking about - especially if you keep following people, whilst stabbing a tin of sardines with a spike and asking if anybody's seen your Spillars Shape, as it was a black one which is your dog's favourite.
Your dog, of course, will be nowhere to be seen as it's too embarrassed to be on the same hill as you.
Useful phrase: "Well, of course, my GPS doesn't need batteries as it's got two very strong elastic bands"
A useful ploy to pass away the time whilst awaiting the result of the MOT test on your car, or alternatively, the birth of a child.
Otherwise, its what you do whilst trying to keep up with the leader of a walking group who obviously has his own agenda about being able to walk faster than anybody else i.e. "keeping pace".
If faced with this situation, its best to make up your own walk, probably involving staring at a waterfall for a while, having a paddle, visiting a lounge bar and being back at the bus first.
Also - there's "Pace Counting" which is what the leader does to see how far ahead he is. And "Pacemaker" which is what you'll need if you try to keep up. If you've already got one, you'll probably flatten the battery. Use the pencil in your compass (see The Compass) to write a final letter to your loved one (and one to the wife/husband as well, whilst your about it). They will appreciate the thought.
The only useful tactic is to put some rocks in his rucksac at break time to slow him down a bit, or if he's finished by the time you catch up, send your dog forward to attack his bootlaces, preferably just as he's crossing a bit of wet sphagnum.
Most dogs can be easily trained to do this by running around the garden with a slice of fried bacon attached to each boot and shouting the command words "Go get him Gnasher"
This is more fun for the neighbours if you're wearing your full kit of bobble hat with arrow on it (see Heading) and rucksac with a globe tied to the back. It must be done before the dog reaches six months old, as after that he'll just wait till you've tired yourself out and then, as you're staggering indoors for a cuppa, he'll trip you up and run off with the rashers.
Useful phrase: "Oh, I only did Sca Fell, Broad Stand (bit steep that for a bit), then Scafell Pike, Esk Pike, Bowfell (Bow Fell) and Crinkle Crags. Which was nice. Where did you get to? Is that all you did? Really? No, I've no idea how all those boulders got in your bag"
Have fun on the hill. Woof!
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